Dreams and Nightmares
Basically I am an obssessive thinker. I get obsessed especially by people. I find certain people fascinating and I feel a very deep need to get to know them, to love them and be loved by them. This person becomes my muse, my obsession, my problem, my ecstasy and source of light as well as darkness. I have a deep need to communicate, and this sometimes is difficult because I often find that I spend a lot of time on my own . It is very easy for my relationships to become intense quite quickly because I am passionate and feel things with particular vividness. I fall in love too easily for my own good. Sometimes I think Id fall for anyone Id spend enough time with who wasn't totally hideous or nasty to me. I just find people so amazing. Everyone is a puzzle to understand. Everyone is a world, separate from others , and to communicate we need to find bridges that can connect us together. But there is no real possibility to fully be able to connect at all levels... always or even very often....
sometimes I become very frightened by own vulnerability when I first start noticing the way I feel about someone new. It 's worry, anxiety, fear coming from the memory of the pain of the past. It's like I wear a scar, the memory of my body left naked on the bed and blood coming out of me, and covering parts of the sheet with the vivid red of passion turned wound. They call it baggage. It's like this thing you carry on your back and you need to let it go, once and for all. You need to forgive and move on and make peace with the past. Worrying about all the things that could go wrong instead of focussing on what could go right is counterproductive. Feeling very insecure and imagining being rejected makes exactly what you fear happen. I guess it's natural to worry about being "found out" and then having given away one's power risk being put on the spot and "seen" in one's emotional nakedness and thereby judged without the safety of reciprocity. It's a game. It's both intriguing and maddening. But insecurity needs to be replaced with confidence, by putting on one side what you don't want and focusing instead on what you want... because imagining the future and the past you just end up avoiding the present... you recreate what you re scared of and live in a nightmare of your own creation instead of making it possible for your dreams to come true.
sometimes I become very frightened by own vulnerability when I first start noticing the way I feel about someone new. It 's worry, anxiety, fear coming from the memory of the pain of the past. It's like I wear a scar, the memory of my body left naked on the bed and blood coming out of me, and covering parts of the sheet with the vivid red of passion turned wound. They call it baggage. It's like this thing you carry on your back and you need to let it go, once and for all. You need to forgive and move on and make peace with the past. Worrying about all the things that could go wrong instead of focussing on what could go right is counterproductive. Feeling very insecure and imagining being rejected makes exactly what you fear happen. I guess it's natural to worry about being "found out" and then having given away one's power risk being put on the spot and "seen" in one's emotional nakedness and thereby judged without the safety of reciprocity. It's a game. It's both intriguing and maddening. But insecurity needs to be replaced with confidence, by putting on one side what you don't want and focusing instead on what you want... because imagining the future and the past you just end up avoiding the present... you recreate what you re scared of and live in a nightmare of your own creation instead of making it possible for your dreams to come true.
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