This is Not Attractive

Taking courage in both hands... this is what we say in Italy. The meaning is rather obvious is it not? Sometimes you gotta wait til you feel high and strong to be able to make a difficult decision. You know that later you will have your weak moments but if you do it when you feel on top of the world you are operating from the vantage point of having all the resources to deal with the upcoming difficulties. You sort of feel like you 'll be ok, and that gives you the strength to go with the right path for you even though it is scary. So I did it. I waited til I felt on top of the world, after a gig. And it seemed easier. Later I still had to pay the consequences and felt like crap for a while but at least I wasn't in Limbo anymore and deep inside I knew I had done the right thing. A few days have now passed and I have had my moments of insecurity and tears. I have felt like nothing ever changes and that I am always falling into the same patterns. But then I picked myself up:...

Memory. Identity. A story. Are you your story ? If so, what happens when you forget it ? What if you ever do ? Are you gone or is it  still you ? Memory is so crucial because it helps us define who we are. And yet we are more than a sequence of past events. We still live in the present when our memory is gone.  Love. What happens to love when we cannot remember who we loved yesterday ? and if love is gone too, how much it is just memory, past association to pleasure and attachment to dreams of  future pleasure ? Could we still love without a memory ?  So much of our lives is dependant on memory. Losing it is worse than losing a limb. But for whom is it worse ? Those who lose it or those who watch us lose it ? If you cannot remember what you have forgotten it is certainly confusing but not as bad as watching someone forget they ever knew you. That is like erasing years of loving care with one swipe and it must hurt like nothing else. I always find it mind boggling how...

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Like a piece of paper by the side of road, tossed in the wind. Like Xmas in September and the summer holidays in the depth of winter. Waiting for a time when it will all be all right. Except it won't. There's always something, always an obstacle. Patience, I am told. But life doesn't wait for anyone. Another day is gone and I could be dead, I could be walking in a different direction, I could be feeling happy. Anything could happen. What I don't want is this feeling of waiting, of being stuck in limbo, of hoping the emptiness will give way to something alive soon, but a voice tells me to let it go: you don't want to spend today sleeping only to wake up when it really is too late and find that all is left is a bitter cry for all that you left waiting for too long. I am sick of tomorrow. What about today ? Are you too busy to live ? You seem too busy to love. You are too busy, always too busy. Should I make an appointment now, but be re...

rain on the horizon. dripping down like tears over unknown hopes. Incubating days of sorrow and joy . Leaving a trace that can hardly be found. When all is covered in a tick mantle of grey the branches salute the sky unheard.Their prayers reach up and meet the blank stares of tourists watching for interesting events to take them away from the blandness. Fallen into a long tunnel of expectations I wonder searching for the way out. nothing personal, I am told. all is fiction. So I search through the lines trying to decipher the hidden references to facts known to me but the dust seeps through my fingers and falls at my feet forming patterns I fail to recognize. The poet is depressed, standing on the top of the hill looking down. He can only see me through a curtained veil. The light is dim and he can just make out the shape but I am shifting, ready to move on. The shadow is fleeting, just like the hours and you gotta catch them when you see them. the gypsy travels on in some faraway land...

Unfinished business. That smug way of behaving really gets on my nerves. I know I haven't really ever voiced my anger and so it goes unsaid every time. It builds and builds but I don't care enough to really air it, because it would require so much effort and unless I see him it's out of my mind. But every time I do it is a subtle annoying presence between us. I just resent the way he presents himself as a wise guy with the right answer to things, while in reality he doesn't have a fucking clue. Today he made up a poem on the spot and it was about how we all wear masks and why do we do that. At the end of the poem I suggested it might be fear. The response was fierce: well, that s certainly NOT the answer. mmm. interesting I thought. What a passionate response to a simple remark. As soon as he said those words I  felt intense heat come into my chest. I wanted to answer : how could you possibly talk about masks, assuming everyone is wearing one and hiding parts of themsel...

This morning I feel sad. Woke up from a disturbing dream. I felt left out , while everyone else around me was getting involved with family, evenings out, a busy life. I was angry in my dream because it was easier to experience that emotion rather than anger. I know Venus is in retrograde, my friend told me so yesterday. Apparently it means that these are threacherous times when it comes to romantic entanglements. There are two more weeks of it to come. So the advice is, stay away from lust fuelled beginnings of new relationships and also beware of the tendency to idolize past lovers. Tick, tick. I feel confused. A lot going on and yet it's all a bit messy. I know the solution is to just hang in there and let things pan out the way they will. I guess my naive self just wanted instant solutions, big explosions in the sky, a new mind blowing beginning. But this is the child speaking inside of me. I guess the adult knows better. Today I want to close the door on being there just ...

Holding someone, because they need it, because you can see their soul longing for that love they deserve and haven't been given enough of. Holding this person and feeling their life force surge like a warm wave engulfing everything in a light that's healing. Connection is what truly heals and why only have it with one or two human beings when there are billions out there who need love and cannot find it ? The power of touch is underestimated, and so essential to our well being. It does not need to be sexual though it can be. We also have stripped sexuality down to its bare bones and left nothing of the immense spiritual power it possesses. We make love without looking at each other and then we wonder why we feel so empty. Sexual energy and spiritual energy need not be separate. The life force resides within our body and the spiritual is the body. The body is sacred and if it is treated as such it becomes the perfect vehicle for spiritual connection with the world. There is no...